October Nineteenth

My birthday is literally just around the corner; funny this is, I don't really care. I'm not a fan of birthdays. I'm just not. Especially my own.
Granted this could be because of my grandfather dying on the day of my birthday party. But the point is, they are depressing anyway. It really only means that you are closer to death...or taxes, but I consider them death too.
Honestly, the only thing that will actually get me to wake up on my birthday is knowing that for one day it can be just me and my best friends. I think that's about it. You give me a day where it is just me, Nate, and Ricky...and I would be perfectly okay with that. That could happen anyday, not just my birthday.
Maybe it is because I don't like my family. Maybe it is because of my grandfather. Hell, maybe I just don't like them.
Actually, I have a new theory that may explain my hatred of birthdays. I think that ever since Rob left, I have never really had a reason to enjoy my birthday. My birthday was the only day where I could feel like a normal person with a normal family. No one ever fought on my birthday. They just didn't. And that is what kinda made my birthday feel "special"...I guess. Therefore, Rob being he sorta screws up the whole environment. 
Okay, I'm done talking about my birthday. Except if something happens on it...then I will write about.

Safe blogging...just kidding. :)

National Coming Out Day was yesterday...5 hours late is better than 10.

My "Thank You" Post

I would like to take a post to thank two of my best friends that have stuck with me through all of this shit.

Nathanyl Alfred Langstaff- Thank you, just thank you. You have been through everything everything. You have been extremely helpful. You help me through everything, and although I think that sometime you don't truly can't get into my shoes, you try; And for that, I am extremely glad and thankful. I know that you will always help me. Always. Thank you again.

Richard David Blackburn- We have our spats. We have our differences. I used to think that there was only one thing that connected us,swim, I was wrong. The longer we have been friends the more memories that we have made. You too, have been there for a lot of my problems. I don't think you will ever realize how much your support for me has helped me choose to continue swimming, and to not be afraid of what people think. I appreciate that. I truly too. No matter what happens between us, or what happens at all, I know that when shit hits the fan, I can call you and you will be there for me in a heartbeat. I know that you and I are going to beast this season. I throughly enjoy how we compete with each other in the pool, I think it is awesome that we push each other; Especially because we know when the other needs it. Thank you.

This is only two of my best friends. I can honestly say that when I leave high school, I know for sure, that these guys will call me up on random weekends and do stupid shit. These will be the guys that I will want in my wedding party...if I get married. Thank you guys again.

P.S. I know that Ricky's paragraph is longer, but I have never really taken the time to thank Ricky via the blog. I thank Nate all the time. :D

Thank you guys again.

CJD

The First of Me

     The song "The First of Me" by Hoobastank does a good job of really summing up most of my feelings. But that's irrelevent right now, now I want to talk about my brother, Rob. He's in the Navy, pretty standard military type person. He used to be my hero, my friend, my "one person I can always count on" person. That all changed after I told him that I was gay.
     That was a nice day. His response to me was rather...shocking. "If you're a homo,you're a homo, I have nothing left to say." It turns out that he meant that literally; Since July, my brother and I have not spoken. At all. And honestly, I have mixed feelings on that. I feel like he deserves to be completely cut off from. Yet I also feel like it was a big slap in the face,to me.
     I used to be so proud to say that Rob was my brother, and how cool he was, and yadayadayada. At this point in time, you couldn't pay me to say anything good about him, nonetheless, talk to him.
     I feel like I should cut me off. I feel like I'm the one son that lives an outragoues amount of time away from home, not because I have to live their, but because I choose to so I can avoid my family. I have a feeling that that is what is going to happen. Maybe I'll come home once a year,maybe not. And when I come back, how angered I am to be there, yeah...I'm going to be "that guy". But I think I'm okay with that.
     So that was my post on how my brother and how angry I'm going to be,as long as he is in the same zip code as me.

"My ass looks really good in these jeans"

     During the fire drill, during APUSH, my left hand man, Zach Maio said the above statement to me. He obviously knows that I'm gay. So I was kinda like "Really Maio? I'm not even going to comment." And I honestly wonder what he was trying to do. I mean, I highly doubt he was trying to get me to say that he was hot, or something of that sort. But I guess it just seems funky.
     And he's not the only one, Nate does it sometimes too. I truly wonder if they are just saying it, want a gay guys opinion, or if they want a straight guys opinion.  Obviously I can't the latter, but regardless. I don't know what he meant, I probably never will. And I don't really care enough to find out. But still.

Question: Who do you admire most and why?

     In my first APUSH (Advanced Placement:United States History) class, I was sitting next to my boy Zach Maio and we started to fill out the first day survey. This was fine and dandy until we both got to question number five, Who do you admire most and why? It was extremely odd how both of us looked at the other with a stupid ass look and said "Who am I writing down?" I told Zach that if Rob and I didn't have our little spat, I would put him down, but right now, he is nothing to be admired (in my eyes). I kid you not, we sat there for ten minutes trying to come up with people; Finally Zach threw down some bass players and he told me that I should throw down Mr Parrish. Being the good little kid that I am and listened to him. And for the justification, I simply put: Parrish helped me throw extremely tough times. At that moment, I realized that Mr Parrish did more for me this year than most of my family. He was there for everything. Hell, he changed my grades to ensure that my transcripts didn't look bad because of stupid high school drama. He was the one I admired most.

     Then I got to thinking what Parrish might say to Sugrue if Sugrue asked him what kind of tough times. I feel as though P won't say anything. But whatever. That is how life is. you sort through the goods and the bads, then continue on with life.

Easy tonight.

     Today being the first day of my junior year, I starting talking with some of the people I cut off. And one in particular made me feel a lot better about this year.
     I started talking with Joe Woznice(Wozzy) again today. It didn't make me feel awkward,bad, or anything negative. It made me feel like there is actually hope for this year. I am actually starting to believe in this year, again. :D

Those are your problems, not mine.

     Mom has her wonderful appointment with the shrink tonight. I don't know what she expects to come out of it, but whatever. I think she thinks she can change me. But guess what Ma? It's who I am, it is in my genetics. You have to get over it.
     I will refuse to change, nor keep my life a secret. I will not live a double life. I will not live the life everyone wants me to, then have another with somebody that I love. It just simply isn't right. It's just not.
     If my family wants me to hide it, then they really don't deserve to be called my family. Hell, at this point I'm not even considering Dad, Drew, Rob, and Mom as my family. Currently I'm claiming Nicole Brown, Coach, Nate, Maio, and Nicole as my family. They have treated me more as family than my blood family.
     Now some of you may say "Well, you parents are only trying to look out for you." Yeah,yeah, yeah. My response to that is: If they were really trying to look out for me, they won't make it this big thing. It has stressed me out worse than when the team found out. I really don't know what to do. I'm sick of tiptoeing around so that shit doesn't hurt/anger/whatever my mother. Fucking get over it.
     Apparently my mother does need a therapist, I've been saying that for years. Hopefully this guy will do something for her...

Question. Answer?

     Lately I have been getting asked, and asking myself, about swimming next year,er this year. And quite frankly, I'm not even sure. I am extremely nervous about what could occur next year. I don't know if it will be awkward, comfortable, or even better than before.
     I am really concerned about how people will treat me, both in and out of the locker room. I view the locker room situation as this: I haven't changed, I've been gay since I started swimming. So because they know, they have to be worried? Seems fishy. I'm there to swim, change, and go home. Just like everyone else. I don't think of my straight friends in a sexual way, I just don't. I can understand why some people can be uncomfortable but c'mon people, get over it.
     My other concern is if there will be any gay bashing now. Granted, there already was some but it was in a kidding way. So I wonder if people are going to change. I really am used to people using "gay" and etcetra in a "bad" way. It doesn't bother me to an extreme point. Same thing with "fag". As I've said early, I don't care if you say it, but if you call me a fag, I won't hesitate to beat your ass.
     I realize that my coach will help me with anything and everything, it's just how our relationship is. If there is a problem, I feel overly confident about talking to him about it. And that's a good thing. Cooley, my choice for captain, has also told me that if there is a problem to tell him and he will try to help me out. Which could be why he is one of my best friends,
     Now that I'm done talking about my fears, let's talk about the pros.
     I would feel fricken awesome because I feel like I would be making a standard. A change, for the team. I would be the first gay swimmer to be open about it for my last two years. I think I could change the way that some people would feel about having a gay swimmer. I would feel even better if I could make through the whole season without any problems, but problems are inevitable.
     I really don't want to quit doing my favourite thing because people are ignorant and close minded. I shouldn't be afraid to do my sport because of dumb people. I love the sport, I love my team, I love everything about it.
     Clearly, I am still in questioning of my swim season this year. I will continue to talk to my close friends and trusted adults about what they think I should do. Right now, it's looking like I am going to swim. Say "fuck it" and do what I love. I think would be stupid if I quit for this reason. Even if I did, I would still be at every meet, all the time. For my team.

Second Chance

     All I can think about lately is the song "Second Chance" by Shinedown. A couple lines really hit me hard: "Tell my mother, tell my father, I've done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand, I'm not angry. I'm just saying, sometimes good bye is a second chance". These lines just make me feel like they are calling a name,my name.
     I think it is pretty fucked up when I can't enjoy a free hunting trip in Maine because my thoughts are consumed by everything that is occuring between my family and I. I feel like I'm going to  be excluded from my immediate family. I feel as though I am going to be forced to exclude myself from everyone else too.
    I believe that it is extremely sad that the people I know that I can fall on, lean on, sleep on their couch, and overall feel comfortable around, are absolutely none of my family. That's just sad and not right. My coach and former teach should not be the people that I call when I have problems, my mom and dad are supposed to be. But it's not. And that bothers me. Not a lot but it does.
    It is surprising to me how much Nicole Brown and Coach are there for me. It shows how much they actually care about me . I love knowing that with one phone call, I can have two sane adults on my side of pretty much anything. I think that is just insane...but a good insane.
    I guess the one good thing comes out of all of this is that I know exactly who I can fall back on. And exactly who truly matters in my life. I probably shouldn't let it all bother me as much as I do, but fuck, this is my life. And this situation allows me to find out who really deserves to be in my life. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if half my family deserves to be a part of my life...

Great, look what has happened now.

     Okay, I am totally going to go into deep feeling mode now. I feel like talking about the current situation with my family. So, Rob is coming home next week due to the oncoming hurricane. That's all fine and dandy if I didn't have to deal with the current situation. I am sick how things are with Mom, Dad and I. They can go along and think that everything is "okay" and think that we still have a fine relationship. But guess what? I don't believe that everything is just great. Straight up, everything is fucked up. I am thoroughly disgusted by the reaction I got from my family. And I personally feel as though I am ready to pack up and get the fuck outta Dodge. I believe that my life currently means nothing to some of the people I supposedly mean everything to.

     I knew from a young age that I was going to be that one person in the family that only sees the family at holidays, this whole thing has only made me want to make that feeling come true. I am feeling very distant from the people that are supposed to love me regardless of anything, what/who I do. And I really don't know where to go from here. I guess you could say that I am extremely concerned with how this little incident will affect my relationship with all of my family. 
     Speaking of my relationship with my family, I must say that I am not necessarily in love with my family. Honestly, I greatly dislike pretty much all of them. They annoy me. They make me pissed off because they are ignorant and just overall bigots. That is what really angers me about my family. I feel/believe that I am self-sustaining. Enough to the point that I think I would be okay on my own. But whatever, I don't foresee myself moving out anytime soon...although it won't be a bad idea. 
    I really do not this extra stress coming into my junior year. I have too much to worry about already. Between school, standardized tests, high goals for swim, getting through the season without any problems, along with my interesting APUSH class, I don't really think I need one more thing to worry about right now. 
     I shall continue to send you updates via the amazing Blogger service.


CJD

The usage of the term "fag"/"faggot"

     Okay, because I feel very sparky today, I'm going hit on this topic that annoys me so much...like many other things. Anywho, back on topic. Not to say that I am "okay" with people saying "fag(ggot)", I now dub it the "f word" for this post, but if you say don't say to/about me nor any of my friends I'm not going to punch the living shit out of you for saying it.
     But, on the flip side, I can promise you that if someone calls me,or any of my friends, the "f word" I will not hesitate to punch you. And if you're lucky, I'll get to you before Nate or Maio do. Because I will at least leave you able to talk. They, nah they won't leave able to do anything. Nate has already punched one guy out on behalf of me for calling me the "f word". And I know he's not afraid to do it again.
     So yeah. That was my brief discussion about that term. Do yourself a favor, and don't say it around me.

CJD

Adios, I'm gone, I have split.

     So in five minutes, I have somehow offically decided that I can't deal with it, and that my mother will only get worse in the future. With that decision, and information, I have also decided that I'm not going to take her plea bargain and stay home for college. I simply can not,mentally, do it. I just can't.
     One day, you will see me packed up,paid up, and on the road. You reaction will be sad, and utterly depressing. But it is what must be done. "I guess this is what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." See, the problem is, we are too similar to even exist in the same area code(and 315 is a big ass area code). We conflict and clash heads and just get angry at each other, we can't continue this cycle. In all honesty, seeing you twice,maybe three, times a year may even be too much for us.
     I really didn't want to make that decision, but recent events have shown me that I have to make these choices. It is going to hurt you, no doubt. And I'm sorry for that; but you always told me to do what is best for me, and to forget about everyone else. Well, you probably never thought that that would mean disconnecting from you. We all have to go our seperate ways, some lengthier than others. And although, we will be disconnected, I still love you. I'm doing this because I love you.
     I guess our goodbye will be not only a end but an absolutely magnificent start...to my new life. I have always thought that I would be that one person in the family to live a gazillion miles away, and to come back for random holidays, apparently I was right. I need to start my own life, in my own city, on my own terms.

CJD

Honestly, you don't deserve anything from me.

     Okay, straight up, I personally think that deserve no respect from me, period. You mocked me,personally attacked me, and ultimately became a disgrace in my eyes. I don't understand how you can honestly think that you deserve any respect or compassion from me. What you said, what you theorized, was absolutely obsurd and insane. Right now,at this point, you are extremely lucky that I don't stand up and walk away from you.
     You always said that you wonder how a child can hate it's parent, well congrats, you now know how. I still can not believe the things you did and said. And I saw/heard them first hand. The fact that you came up with the most outrageous theories angers me the most. I'm not a melodramatic fool. I never have been. Apparently things just happened at all the wrong times, sorry. But guess what? It had to come out eventually.
     If you don't like it, well that's your problem, not mine. All that this elephant is doing is making our "perfect" relationship into shit. I have always felt that our relationship was shit, apparently you never did. And riddle me this Batman, this whole situation is just a plus one on my list of reasons to get as far away as I possibly can come 2013. So when you are complaining that I left, remember that you did this to yourself.
     I never felt like our family was the best when it came to relationships, and openness(spell check please), it appears clear to me now that I was right. My original plan would have served me the best. Then again, shit doesn't always go as planned. But when I have to dub this "Situation 2", you know it is extreme, and that someone has gone wayy to far.
     Well, now that this is considered a "short essay", I might stop writing for today, or I just might start a new post on someone else. Okay, that's that. Final last words for this post, "I'm not afraid to walk away from you and my entire family, it has been proven that I can stand on my own with you guys."

CJD

This feeling, its a feeling of...

So, this weekend is Glen weekend, and I dragged Nate along with me. Hence, he is spending 4 nights with me...in a tent, by ourselves. This whole situation is the basis for my post.

As I sat there last night, approx. 5 inchs from Nate's body, I kept thinking about one think. Not anything sexual, just luck. As in how lucky am I; I mean, although my best friend knows that I'm gay, we still do everything like I was straight. Spend the night, change in front of each other, the whole nine yards. And I don't think he will ever realize how much hope it gives me. Hope for life.

It makes me realize that although I may be marked as "different", have a couple more challenges thrown my way, may be looked down upon sometimes, and may just have a rougher life, there is still hope for a normal and fun life. I can only hope that this feeling of hope, and the feeling of having something to believe in, lasts...for life.

So that's my current feeling. I'll have more to come on Monday as I discuss something else.

CJD

My life is so awesome. Just kidding.

     So lately, Mom and I have gottenss into multiple spats about obvious things. She has all sorts of theories and none of them are right. She even forced me to go to a shrink. Which pretty much shot her down when he told her that at 17 this is pretty much my own thing. She is insistent that I'm doing this all for attention. I really can't believe that. The only idea of her thinking that I would lie about my sexuality completely infuriates me. I mean really? C'mon. This whole is just...yeah.
     Anyways, this whole thing has gotten me really sad, disgusted, infuriated, and has made me lose all respect for my mother. Honestly, in the past month the only things that have even made remotely on the verge of happiness is 1) Talking to Ben and planning on meeting up with him and 2) Going to Bainbridge's concert like every week. Those shouldn't be the only things that put me on the edge of happiness.
    Speaking of Ben, we have been Hangingout on Google+ all the time lately. We decided that next year, he is gonna drive his butt up to New York with some friends and we are all going to go to Montreal together. That's gonna be pretty amazing. Also, Robert, Ben, and I are working on a project to be supporting and such for everyone that may need it. Needless to say, we have all been Hangingout a lot lately.
     Hangingout on Google+ (or Google-, depending on my mood) is pretty cool. Its all videocalling and it works very well. I think its pretty cool that I can say that I'm "hanging out" with people that live in Georgia and Texas.
     So yeah, that's my current life events. As I always promise, I will update more later on. :D 

Shrinks shrinks shrinks!

So, in recent news, I have told both my mother and brother. Rob doesn't really care but Mom seems to be upset. Mom seems like she doesn't understand. She apparently doesn't understand enough to the point that she has me signed up to go to a therapist tomorrow. I'm obviously not looking forward to it.
     Mom is under the impression that this is all just a phase. My response to that being "So people live in a phase their entire life?". Anyways, I was l once told that when I have kids and they do something wrong, I will feel like I have done something wrong. I think this is how Mom feels. She has done nothing wrong. I don't think she realizes that. But yeah. I am not really sure if I'm glad she knows or not. I just wish she wont make a big thing out of it...

That's what brothers are for.

     As I sat there last night listening to "Brothers" by Dean Brody, I realized that Rob leaves in December; And that I really wanna tell him before he leaves for Korea.
     So I sat there for about twenty minutes and wrote a long message (five pages) to him, and reviewed it with Nicole and Brad and they both "okayed" it. I decided that I will send it to him tonight before he goes to work. Because, like me, he thinks a lot while he works. I am worried of what his response will be but oh well. He's gonna find out eventually.
     I feel that once I tell him, my life will be a whole lot easier. And it will also build up the circle around Mom.
    So yeah, that's that. And I will keep you updated.

Ahh. Frowny face.

     I love how every couple of days things just get to me. Things that I have no control over I just can't get out of my head. And it's not even things that will happen tomorrow, they will all happen later in life. I'll throw down some examples.
- Me having children
- College
- Relationships that I have to hide around some people
And yeah. Today was one of the days. There will be more to come.

Ohh, the standard depressed kid.

     I had thought that after 4 months, I would be over the whole swim situation, I guess I was wrong.
     When I heard the great song "Unwell",by Matchbox Twenty, I quickly realized that I wasn't over it; I merely convinced myself that I was. I think the song and the idea of my first swim meet after the "incident" made me really think about what happened. And that's not good. It saddened me enough to want to just drive,up and down Lakeshore Road for a hour.
     It kinda makes me sad that I had someone that I thought I could trust and lean on betray me like that. I don't even think the worst part was him doing it, I think it was the relationships and the auora between the team as a whole, and myself. I had actually started to make myself something, and actually became something bigger than me; And one man, nay,boy, tore all of it away.
    I truly do not understand what he thought he was doing when he did what he did.  It was stupid. Granted, me telling was apparently also stupid. But I guess I thought he would have the decency to not announce it. I mean really.
     I'm glad I got that off my chest. I think I now just need a good hug from my best friend Nater and I will feel better.
     So I leave you with this...Be careful who you trust, you don't know who is gonna turn out to be a fake.

Coach Time

     So, yesterday I spoke with Coach regarding the situation at hand. And he said that he didn't really care, that he would support me when/if something happens, and that if I or the other swimmers felt uncomfortable to speak with him and that he would take care of the problem promptly. He was also glad that I told him before something happened. Apperantly, no other person did that. Everyone else told him when the situation occured.
     I told him pretty much everything. And he cared enough to check to see if any of the swimmers did anything against me and questions like that. He also asked me if I checked with the other swimmers regarding next year, and I informered him that I did and that none of them had a problem.
     I am currently extremely glad that I told him, and that I know that he has my back, swim related or not. I feel alot better getting it off my chest. I guess I was right when I said that he won't care and that he won't treat me any different. I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. And I'm stoked for all the swim seasons ahead.
     I also realize that I do have to drop the three seconds now. And I'm really hoping I can. I feel like if I did that, I would reproof myself to the team, Coach, and myself. Needless to say, that will be my top priority this year.
     And now, I sit and wait for Lake Shore Country Club (LSCC) to start so I can show that I am just as good as before. I'll keep you updated on all occurrences. 

My Last 72 Hours

Well as normal, the fam and the Wiesley Clan went to the Pocono's for the NASCAR race. This time I decided to make Nate tag along. Partially because he's my best friend and partially because I wanted him to make me more relaxed about telling Coach. Both proved to work. I'm glad that Nate came along. He was fricken ecstatic and probably had more fun then I did. He also passed another random friendship exam. And that I'm extremely proud of. Especially since it was vs his other best friend. And he really made me relax about telling Coach. I don't know why but when I am around him, things just seem to be less of an issue. Which is why I think he's awesome. Either way, I am actually ready and excited about telling Coach. Like I know that nothing bad will come out of it. So, although I have already thanked him like ten times in Blog posts, Imma say it again, thank you Nater. Thank you.

Its sitting by the overcoat, the second shelf the note she wrote, that I can't bring myself to throw away.

I'm not really sure what I wanna write about, I just feel like blogging. :D Well here I am, sitting here with the bro, aka Nate, watching The Hangover and chillaxing. And it feels pretty damn awesome that I can sit here with one of my best friends, the first person I told, and just act like everything was the way before I told him. We do the norm guy shit, even the slightly emotional crap. I mean, its unbelievable that he really doesn't worry about it or cares about it. All I know is that when shit hits the fan, regardless of gender, he will have my back. And I think that its fricken marvelous that he is able to be sleep with me, hang with me, do man hugs, etc. and just act as if I was like everyone else. That my friends, is the true reason why I am best friends with him I don't think he, nor anyone else, can realize the level of respect I have for him. I mean, its like on a scale of 1 to 10, its like 1000. I mean he ha been through soo much shit with me, that its not even comprehendable to anyone else. I'm just overly happy that I can trust him, rely on him, and overall lean on him at all times. I'm glad that he is that one person that I know wil be the he will be there with me throughout life. I'm super excited that you can sit there and do nothing, yet somehow make me feel 200x better. This weekend will help me prep for Monday, and give me extreme moral support. So I thank you again Nater.

Ahh, my best friend.

I love how when I'm with my best friend, all of my problems just seem to drop like ten points in importance. That's how I know that you are, and always will be, my best friend. I know that I can depend on you, fall on you, tell you my exact thoughts and dreams. Its like we were brothers separated at birth. I realize that its like we are family. And I'm glad that that is true. So this is just a shirt thank you to you, my best friend, Nate. Thanks bro.

Monday --> Thursday --> Monday

     So I must ROFL at this. I was talking with Coach all day about when we can discuss the current situation. And we decided that it would be best to talk about on Monday in the weight room. I am ninety-nine percent sure that he is aware of what it is regarding; But I'm not sure if I want that. But oh well. And now I am prepped for Monday. At this point, their is no return. And I'm kinda glad that this is finally gonna happen; It'll take a lot of my shoulders. 

    More to come later on :)

Monday ---> Thursday

Monday came and went; And me being me, I checked with Coach to be sure that he'd be in the workout room afterschool, it turns out he wasn't staying after. And that really blows because I was legit ready to tell him. But oh well. So through email messaging, I have figured out that he didn't already hear. And at that point I was kinda really concerned, because now I just through myself out there and he didn't already know, so now I have to tell him myself. Either way, its now going down on Thursday, although I'm not quite sure if I like that idea or not. But I don't really have a choice now. So, I'll wait it out till Thursday and will leave you with wondering what will happen.

Two Days Left...

With two days left until I have the big adventure with Coach, my primitive "Flight-or-Fight" instinct as already started kicking in. The debate is still rolling in my head, and although I know that I wanna do it and that the majority of the team has my back, I still am pacing back forth. The occupants of my head are going at it. I guess I always knew that this time would come, but I guess I didnt think it would come so quickly. I know that fear is meant to stop us from doing shit that could hurt us, both mentally and physically, but I'm not physically ready. My stomach and everything is going off the wall. But I'm mentally ready, its just that the rest of my body doesn't know that. And if my body stopped being messed up, I'd be all good. Well that's it for now. More to come as Monday inches closer.

Parenting

I often wonder how I will be as a father. I mean, regardless of weather or not I adopt, or have my own flesh and blood, I am hoping that I'll be that "cool dad". I really hope that I can be that awesome of a dad. I won't deny the fact that my father wasn't the best. Nor the fact that I wish he had done things differently, but I am hoping I can be a good father. I guess I'm hoping that I will alwaus be there for my child. And that I wil have an amazing relationship with my kids. I just wanted to do a nice little post about that.

C is for Challenge.

     So Monday will be a rather eventful day. I'm planning on at least one French test, probably a Geometry test, and more than likely some stupid review session in Bio. That I'm sick of as well, but regardless. After school is when fun begins.

Ahem. You may not expect this coming from me.

So, today I'm feeling the urge to talk about the whole gay thing. I don't believe that same-sex marriages should be legalized. I'm game for the way it is now, civil union and the such. I mean, if you feel that much need to involve religion in your relationship, then that's your problem that it's not legal. I'm just saying that. Ironically, that is coming from me. But that's what I think. <whispers> It may be my republican side showing through. 


But yeah, that was my short post for the day, I'll see if I feel like talking more later.

Till then,
I'm out :D

You know what really annoys me...

So this is gonna go on my "Annoyances" tag; Its probably bad that I have a tag like that, but anyways.
It drives me up the wall when people have signatures on their cell phones. I mean, everyone knows who you are. Like really. And then when you decide you wanna do something via SMS to Facebook, your "cute" signature is right there too. And it is fricken annoying. In this day and age, its not nessacary.
Maybe like 5 years ago, it'd be okay. But that's assuming that you are using it for its purpose, not for some tacky political statement or lyrics. Its called a "signature" for a reason, it was meant for your, Wait for it...NAME!
So yeah. That's what is really annoying me today. So please, if you actually appreciate your friends, take of your signature.

You can try, but I'm not gonna fail.

So lately I've been wondering about swimming next year. I mean it could go badly,then again, it could be my best year. This has been my thought process lately. Me being me, I contacted out to former swimmers for help.
John McCabe and Blaise Maio, both extremely cool guys,former swimmers, helpful, honest, but most importantly, straight forward. Being friends with them has turned out to be a good think. I asked them what they think I should do. They both think that I should get my ass back in the pool and blow them outta the water. I'm down with that. Lol.
They also agree with my thinking when it comes to telling Coach. Really, nothing bad could come out of it. Plus Coach is a pretty cool guy. And I think he'll have my back.
While checking with my friends regarding next year, I've found out how many people will truly have my back when I work through next year. I mean, like legit, I have like 15 people that have my back. Its a good feeling to have. Especially since most are swimmers, wrestlers, or football players. So yeah hatas, come at me! XD
But yeah, I think that I'm gonna tell Coach and I know that I'm gonna beat some ass and get to sectionals.

CJD

My View of the Federal Government

Damn, I feel like I just spoke about the government. Lol. Anyways...
Although many people will disagree with me, I feel as though the government is to work the people, on behalf of the people. I believe that if the government is doing something, they have already thought about all possible effects on the US people, and that they have decided that it is just and that the government feels that it is best for the people.
I also think that the US Government does what is best for the world. And that if something goes wrong in the government, and in the world, the people that have the ability to take action, have the responsibility to do so. although some people may refuse to believe it, the Founding Fathers also believed this, they even wrote it right into the Declaration. "That whenever any Form of
Government becomes destructive of these ends,
it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,
and to institute new Government, laying its
foundation on such principles and organizing its
powers in such form, as to them shall seem most
likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
Prudence"
So, with that I leave my followers with this thought: If they government was not meant to help us at all times, what is the point of the government?

The Wrongly Placed Kudos

Soo, as many of you know the US Navy Seals "exchanged fire" with a camp just outside the Pakistani Military Academy early this morning. In said firing, we also killed the master mind behind the United States 2011 attacks, Osama bin Laden.
Although I am extremely proud of my government's amazing ability to police the world and to establish and execute military plans that change the world, and the history; I am certain that President Barack Obama is NOT the person to give any credit to. I, personally, feel as though the most that he could have down is sign a paper saying that the US Military can carry out the mission. I believe that the majority of the US population forget the number of people in the Department of Defense that coordinate all of these very successful missions. I also believe that Obama is not to receive any credit for military mission that does not say his name in the "Author" blank.
So there is my view on the whole "Obama Situation". Wait a few minutes for the next post.
Once again, God Bless the United States.
CJD

"No homo"

As I sit here in Bio, I am constantly reminded of this one kid that is literally obsessed with using the phrase "no homo". I kid you not, if he says "hello" to you "no homo" will immediately follow the standard greeting. If this can be explained to me, great. But here's my theory.
If you are truly that insecure of your heterosexuality that you must state that you don't imply homosexual feelings after every time you even speak with another male, then you are more than likely homosexual.
I mean really. A normal person should be able to give another male a handshake without stating that he is, supposedly, not gay.
That just really fascinates me. I don't really get why a "heterosexual" person has to declare his supposedly heterosexuality. I mean, people discuss and work with each other all the time without stating their sexuality.
So if someone can develop a better theory, email me. But until then, so long!
CJD

Beaches

So, as some of you may know, I'm not a beach person. I don't like sun, sand, the ocean, and I really don't like people that walk and splash and all that jazz. But I have recently discovered that I do like one beach, the OBX beach, on the Atlantic. Its not too shady. And I actually feel happy and secluded there. Its almost perfect.

I have grown to love it. Its just an awesome place, especially for artists like me. Amazing pictures and such. So yeah. I think I'm gonna spend some time here in the future; I'd really like to stay for a week or two with my best friends during like, college. That'd be a blast.

I'm here for a couple more days, so I'm gonna try to make the best of it :D

Friends.

     No matter what any one says, I'm sure that my best friends are gonna stick with me <and put up with my 3 am calls> though this tough season. I can't thank them enough for everything that they have done for me already. They have been truly amazing. I feel as though I have to give a shout out to the following people:

• Sean Cooley
• Nate Langstaff
• Katy Angus
• Danny Angarano

Thank you guys, you have all helped me so much. You have made this time much easier on me, and have given spectacular advice and support. So really thank you guys. And thanks for putting up with the 3 am calls :D

     You never know who your real friends are until you hit rock bottom, at that point, your real friends are the ones that are reaching out to pick you up.

This year is gonna rock.

The game is done, I have won.

     Well, almost two months later I have won the battle. I'm gonna swim. I'm not gonna let some stubborn,asshole,senior hick stop me from doing what I love. It took me awhile to realize this but, if I don't swim He has won. They have won. I wanna win. I have won.
     I'm not gonna lie and say that next season, or even club season, will be easy. It's gonna be hard, it's gonna take a toll on me. But I've gotta push through. I've my got my friends to help through the season, they will save me and keep me sane.
     I guess my biggest question that I pose to my failed-enemies is: Why does it matter exactly?
     So I'm gonna stop regretting this decision and overthinking it. I'm just going to remember this: 

I have a job to do, just like you. I come in swim and go home,just like you. Why should it matter what I do after practice? I will always walk in and do my job, I can only hope you will do the same.

You'll Never Figure This Out

You don't realize,
What you didn't do.
What you didn't realize,
When you should have been the first.

You think you can read me like a book,
Damn, I must be one complex novel.
Truth is,
I'm an encyclopedia.
You know one volume,
Out of a hundred.

No one knows all one hundred volumes,
Not even me.
So keep trying to talk to me,
You might just scratch the surface.

Maybe...

My Friends.

I have always out wayy too much trust in my friends, and I do it because in the end you are only as strong as your weakest posse member.
And since my friends recently watched my life fall about, they are helping me pick up the pieces. I'm glad they are. It gives me someone to lean on,a place stay when I get too pissed off, and a person that will have my back no matter what.
They have told me that I just need to "follow my heart" or some cliche like that. But really, you can try to get over it all but something like this sticks with you...forever.
You just gotta wait it out, I guess.

"You just gotta give hope a chance, and it will always float up"

Those words were said in a late-90's chick flick called Hope Floats. For some messed up reason, I think that they are right: If you just kinda push through everything, hope will float...eventually. You just gotta give it time.
I guess I thought I had given it enough time, and that hope wasn't floating; Well as I have been going along, I've figured out that I just haven't given it enough time. When I hit my bad times, I just gotta remember "Hope will float, just like bodies if you don't weigh them down" ( Okay, maybe I should just remember the first one :| )

Mmh, I wonder.

So lately I've been wondering if I've gone insane or not. I'm not really sure if I can say that I have a very good mind set. And although I like to think that I normally have a very stable internal state, I think I may have lost it.
I'm not really sure if I'm right or wrong lately. I've just been kinda hoping that everything goes well for me. I was feeling pretty unsure about the situation at hand last night and then I heard Dr Kelso say "Just look into your heard and do what ever the hell makes you happy." I felt like he was talking to me, like he was telling me to nix the people that have problems with me, and just do what I want. Those words are just beautiful to me right now, many other people have told me the same thing but it seems like Kelso just drilled it in. I guess I just needed to realize that I can take care of it.
I guess there's reasons why I watch Scrubs, 1) Its dead funny and 2) It teaches me about life. So thank you Scrubs.

Building the Burning

I build the relationship up, you burn it up.
I build it up, you burn it up.
Stop building the burning, stop burning the building.
You build it up, I burn it down.
I build you burn it.
Stop the burning, might stop the building too.
Is this how its gotta be?
Our two heads clashing all around me.
Stop the building and stop the burning.
Why do we build this up just to burn it down?

To whom it may concern.

To whom it may concern:
First of all, you know damn well who this is geared to. Second of all, I will now start my rant.
Well, you have screwed up about a month of my life, ruined multiple of my friendships, kept me awake for most of the night, made my grades slip, and screwed over my relationship with the team. But guess what, I'm sick of it all. Purely disgusted. Your evil reign over my mental state will end at this sentence.
You are a ridiculous, low self esteem holding, backstabbing, selfish, manipulative, conniving, irresponsible, immature little bastard. I would start a beat down on you, but I remember that you aren't even worth the thought process of fighting. I really hope you die a slow and painful death. Just saying.
You have made my life hell, and I'm through with it. Go take your untrustworthy waste of life somewhere else. Go screw up someone else's life.
Thank you,
Christopher John Drummond

Alone

I sit alone and watch the clock, trying to collect my thoughts.
It seems as though I've changed, yet I've always been the same.
I don't expect you to understand, I just wanna know you have my back. Everything leads me back to this.
I never thought it'd happen like this.
I never seemed so alone.
A crowded street seems like a quiet place when I'm walking alone.
So alone...

Strength

I'm weak, yet strong enough to realize I can't handle this on my own. I'm weak, but strong enough to realize I don't need you.

.

Do You?

Do you realize, that you know nothing about me?
Try to tell me my hopes, dreams, fears.
Just try.
I dare ya.

Do you realize, what you me through?
Do you realize, what you have done to me?
Do you realize what you haven't done to me?

Do you know, anything about me?
Try, just try to shoot off something as simple as a blood type.
That's something you should know.

Do you realize, why I don't trust you?
Do you realize, why I don't like you?
Do you realize anything about me?

Do you?
Do you?
You say you do,
You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?

You say you're not the bad guy, but are you?
You don't even know anymore, do you?

Some built up anger...

So around a year ago, I was told that I would go nowhere in life. I refuse to believe this. I am convinced that one day I will rise above all of those people that said that I would amount to nothing.

"And I won't back down, no I'll stand my ground."

Well I wrote up a whole nice long post, but for some reason, only the title got posted, so here I try again. I can't guarantee that it will be as good as the last one because I'm not fueled with emotions now. But here it goes: If someone could explain to me why high school has to be so damn complicated, I would love to hear it. Either way, I would also love to know why out of 2100 students, I was chosen to be the subject of a rumor. I mean really, what the hell did I ever do? But anyways, rumors spread fast on a small team. Unfortunately. I don't even think the rumor was the hardest part, I think trying to convince 23 guys that a very well liked senior member was lying was the hardest. This senior that I thought was my friend, I was wrong. I guess one can think that dealing with rumors is easy, its not. And if you have ever been affected my one, subject or not, the pain still stays with you for life. I don't think that people truly realize the impact that rumors have on the subject. The sleepless nights, hours of headaches, slipping grades, loss of friends, even hours crying, and that's not even considering the affect on the subjects friends that are trying to get him through this. After my experience with rumors, I have decided that I will never start or spread a rumor, ever. For I have realize what it can do to people. It all happened within a week, started on Monday, I became aware of it on Wednesday, lost some friends on Friday, and started damage control on Saturday. I now have to face these people, most of them for one of the last times, on Tuesday. And Tuesday, I'm not really sure how it will go down, but I'm nervous as hell. I've been told to put my game face on and act like I own the place. Supposedly, that will make me look good. I can only hope that my whole life doesn't go down the drain. I have to be able to stay on the team for another two years, and if this catches up with me next year, I'm afraid I might not have the pride, nor dignity,to continue with my swim career. I am still getting over this whole fiasco, but I will get over it. I've been told that I should be able to tackle this head on...and win. I guess I can only hope that I will...win.

Oh High School...

One can assume that high school is the worst part of your life. But until you actually experience it, you will never realize how complex that 4 years is. I have been told that life doesn't get much less dramatic after high school. It is virtually amazing how quickly things/rumors can spread.but what is even quicker, is the speed at which people point fingers. I mean really guys, you're in high school, act your age. Either way, the one person that started everything will never see the full affect that they have had on the subject of the rumor. This subject could have spent hours being internally hurt by the rumor. And that's not even bringing in the subject's friends, that have to help the subject with damage control. And not only damage control for his reputation, but damage control for his actual emotions and mental state. I might be all over the page here, but I'm angry, that happens what I'm angry. I guess my question is, "Why didn't anybody tell me that this could happen?"

"Family ties run deep in this land."

This is going to be a very,very random posting but...

     I guess I kinda always assumed that something would change. The way I think, the way I fell. Somewhere along the line, it would change. But it hasn't. So I guess I gotta confront my biggest fear, disappointing my father.
     Now, if you know my father, you realize that he doesn't have a good track record for when it comes to dealing with his problems. And if you know me, you know that I have been a usual cause for my father's problems.
     He always told me that, "When you have a child, you greatest fear is that they may do something wrong; And at that time, you feel like you have done something wrong, like you have screwed them up." I guess I always took those words to heart. I guess,  I was always afraid that I would make him feel that he's screwed up. Well, he hasn't.
     I can only hope that when I tell him the things I feel I need to tell him, he will realize that he hasn't screwed up at all. I believe that he will understand, and I believe that everything will go well.At least that's what I plan for.

More to come...

Something that I have learned regarding dependencies and drug abuse...

Recently I have seen the bad side of drugs. I have seen,and heard, things that have made me drastically change my views on drug use. I was already against the use of all of the illegal drugs and street drugs. I basically thought that I would only drink in life. I have decided that I will never drink either. I have seen what drinking can do to you and the effects that it has on your family and friends.
 A very close friend of mine has recently stopped drinking. I'm still amazed at how much he would drink. It would turn into a bi-nightly event. I saw the physical,mental, and emotional toll that it was taking on him. So, one day I told him that if he wouldn't stop drinking that I would have to stop being friends with him. I only told him this because I knew that he loved,and required, his friends more than anything else; And I knew it would work. Needless to say, on January 8th at around midnight, we decided that he couldn't drink for six months. He has done very well with staying sober. He is still adjusting to the symptoms of Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome; but he is working on it.
Him and I have tried reaching out for help, and we have succeeded. His uncle and two of our friends are aware with his situation. And all of us are very supportive of him and him trying to stay dry.
I was thinking about this all day yesterday, and I just can't comprehend why one bad stage in someone's life can screw the rest of it. He wants to be a teacher,too. And if it ever gets legally recored that he was an alcoholic at 17, he's screwed. And I think that's what angers me the most...This is a great kid that has just hit a bump in the highway of life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to help him get over this bump. He can do it, I'm sure of it. I'm glad that he has at least recognized that he has a problem, and his working on it.

Keep at it!

CJD

My Most Recent College and Career Decisions

Okay guys, as we know, I am a high school sophomoric that wants to go to college ASAP, obviously I can't just skip high school...so I'm just really gonna plan for college :)
My latest college choices are:

• Castleton SC
• Coppin SU
• Fitchburg SU
• Gallaudet U
• Keene SC
• Old Dominion U
• Southern NH U
• SUNY Brockport
• SUNY Buffalo SC
• U Maryland Eastrn Sh
• Westfield SU

In order of choice:

Keene SC

Fitchburg SU

Southern NH U

Westfield SU

Coppin SU

Gallaudet U

U Maryland Eastrn Sh

SUNY Brockport

Castleton SC

Old Dominion U

So yeah. I have decided that I am going to go for either American History Education, English Education, or Political Science. I have also decided that I am gonna be a teacher. No matter what. I will not let any person or thing stop me from achieving my dream. This is what I want to do with my life, its been what I wanted to do with my life. And FYI: For all of those that doubt me, you will feel pretty bad when I have achieved everything that I set out to achieve.

This reminds me of a story that one of my teachers told me:

"My third grade teacher told me that I was a failure and that I would never amount to anything in life. It just so happens that when I was going to college for my Special Education degree, I was assigned to be a student teacher in that same school. One day I realized that she was standing across the room from me, and I decided to talk to her. I went to her and said "I don't know if you remember me, but in my third grade year of school you said that I would never amount to anything in life. Well guess what, I am now your peer and equal." Since then, I decided that I would never attempt to stop any student from doing what they want to do. And with that I leave you with the moral, Never let anybody tell you that you won't do something...prove them wrong"

 And I have been using those words to help me achieve what I want to do thus far. People said that I won't swim, I did. People have said that I won't stay in school, guess what, I am going to stay in school not only because I want to, but just to spite you. So just a reminder, I won't let anything stop me.

Just sayin'

CJD