Second Chance

     All I can think about lately is the song "Second Chance" by Shinedown. A couple lines really hit me hard: "Tell my mother, tell my father, I've done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand, I'm not angry. I'm just saying, sometimes good bye is a second chance". These lines just make me feel like they are calling a name,my name.
     I think it is pretty fucked up when I can't enjoy a free hunting trip in Maine because my thoughts are consumed by everything that is occuring between my family and I. I feel like I'm going to  be excluded from my immediate family. I feel as though I am going to be forced to exclude myself from everyone else too.
    I believe that it is extremely sad that the people I know that I can fall on, lean on, sleep on their couch, and overall feel comfortable around, are absolutely none of my family. That's just sad and not right. My coach and former teach should not be the people that I call when I have problems, my mom and dad are supposed to be. But it's not. And that bothers me. Not a lot but it does.
    It is surprising to me how much Nicole Brown and Coach are there for me. It shows how much they actually care about me . I love knowing that with one phone call, I can have two sane adults on my side of pretty much anything. I think that is just insane...but a good insane.
    I guess the one good thing comes out of all of this is that I know exactly who I can fall back on. And exactly who truly matters in my life. I probably shouldn't let it all bother me as much as I do, but fuck, this is my life. And this situation allows me to find out who really deserves to be in my life. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if half my family deserves to be a part of my life...

Great, look what has happened now.

     Okay, I am totally going to go into deep feeling mode now. I feel like talking about the current situation with my family. So, Rob is coming home next week due to the oncoming hurricane. That's all fine and dandy if I didn't have to deal with the current situation. I am sick how things are with Mom, Dad and I. They can go along and think that everything is "okay" and think that we still have a fine relationship. But guess what? I don't believe that everything is just great. Straight up, everything is fucked up. I am thoroughly disgusted by the reaction I got from my family. And I personally feel as though I am ready to pack up and get the fuck outta Dodge. I believe that my life currently means nothing to some of the people I supposedly mean everything to.

     I knew from a young age that I was going to be that one person in the family that only sees the family at holidays, this whole thing has only made me want to make that feeling come true. I am feeling very distant from the people that are supposed to love me regardless of anything, what/who I do. And I really don't know where to go from here. I guess you could say that I am extremely concerned with how this little incident will affect my relationship with all of my family. 
     Speaking of my relationship with my family, I must say that I am not necessarily in love with my family. Honestly, I greatly dislike pretty much all of them. They annoy me. They make me pissed off because they are ignorant and just overall bigots. That is what really angers me about my family. I feel/believe that I am self-sustaining. Enough to the point that I think I would be okay on my own. But whatever, I don't foresee myself moving out anytime soon...although it won't be a bad idea. 
    I really do not this extra stress coming into my junior year. I have too much to worry about already. Between school, standardized tests, high goals for swim, getting through the season without any problems, along with my interesting APUSH class, I don't really think I need one more thing to worry about right now. 
     I shall continue to send you updates via the amazing Blogger service.


CJD

The usage of the term "fag"/"faggot"

     Okay, because I feel very sparky today, I'm going hit on this topic that annoys me so much...like many other things. Anywho, back on topic. Not to say that I am "okay" with people saying "fag(ggot)", I now dub it the "f word" for this post, but if you say don't say to/about me nor any of my friends I'm not going to punch the living shit out of you for saying it.
     But, on the flip side, I can promise you that if someone calls me,or any of my friends, the "f word" I will not hesitate to punch you. And if you're lucky, I'll get to you before Nate or Maio do. Because I will at least leave you able to talk. They, nah they won't leave able to do anything. Nate has already punched one guy out on behalf of me for calling me the "f word". And I know he's not afraid to do it again.
     So yeah. That was my brief discussion about that term. Do yourself a favor, and don't say it around me.

CJD

Adios, I'm gone, I have split.

     So in five minutes, I have somehow offically decided that I can't deal with it, and that my mother will only get worse in the future. With that decision, and information, I have also decided that I'm not going to take her plea bargain and stay home for college. I simply can not,mentally, do it. I just can't.
     One day, you will see me packed up,paid up, and on the road. You reaction will be sad, and utterly depressing. But it is what must be done. "I guess this is what happens when a tornado meets a volcano." See, the problem is, we are too similar to even exist in the same area code(and 315 is a big ass area code). We conflict and clash heads and just get angry at each other, we can't continue this cycle. In all honesty, seeing you twice,maybe three, times a year may even be too much for us.
     I really didn't want to make that decision, but recent events have shown me that I have to make these choices. It is going to hurt you, no doubt. And I'm sorry for that; but you always told me to do what is best for me, and to forget about everyone else. Well, you probably never thought that that would mean disconnecting from you. We all have to go our seperate ways, some lengthier than others. And although, we will be disconnected, I still love you. I'm doing this because I love you.
     I guess our goodbye will be not only a end but an absolutely magnificent start...to my new life. I have always thought that I would be that one person in the family to live a gazillion miles away, and to come back for random holidays, apparently I was right. I need to start my own life, in my own city, on my own terms.

CJD

Honestly, you don't deserve anything from me.

     Okay, straight up, I personally think that deserve no respect from me, period. You mocked me,personally attacked me, and ultimately became a disgrace in my eyes. I don't understand how you can honestly think that you deserve any respect or compassion from me. What you said, what you theorized, was absolutely obsurd and insane. Right now,at this point, you are extremely lucky that I don't stand up and walk away from you.
     You always said that you wonder how a child can hate it's parent, well congrats, you now know how. I still can not believe the things you did and said. And I saw/heard them first hand. The fact that you came up with the most outrageous theories angers me the most. I'm not a melodramatic fool. I never have been. Apparently things just happened at all the wrong times, sorry. But guess what? It had to come out eventually.
     If you don't like it, well that's your problem, not mine. All that this elephant is doing is making our "perfect" relationship into shit. I have always felt that our relationship was shit, apparently you never did. And riddle me this Batman, this whole situation is just a plus one on my list of reasons to get as far away as I possibly can come 2013. So when you are complaining that I left, remember that you did this to yourself.
     I never felt like our family was the best when it came to relationships, and openness(spell check please), it appears clear to me now that I was right. My original plan would have served me the best. Then again, shit doesn't always go as planned. But when I have to dub this "Situation 2", you know it is extreme, and that someone has gone wayy to far.
     Well, now that this is considered a "short essay", I might stop writing for today, or I just might start a new post on someone else. Okay, that's that. Final last words for this post, "I'm not afraid to walk away from you and my entire family, it has been proven that I can stand on my own with you guys."

CJD

This feeling, its a feeling of...

So, this weekend is Glen weekend, and I dragged Nate along with me. Hence, he is spending 4 nights with me...in a tent, by ourselves. This whole situation is the basis for my post.

As I sat there last night, approx. 5 inchs from Nate's body, I kept thinking about one think. Not anything sexual, just luck. As in how lucky am I; I mean, although my best friend knows that I'm gay, we still do everything like I was straight. Spend the night, change in front of each other, the whole nine yards. And I don't think he will ever realize how much hope it gives me. Hope for life.

It makes me realize that although I may be marked as "different", have a couple more challenges thrown my way, may be looked down upon sometimes, and may just have a rougher life, there is still hope for a normal and fun life. I can only hope that this feeling of hope, and the feeling of having something to believe in, lasts...for life.

So that's my current feeling. I'll have more to come on Monday as I discuss something else.

CJD

My life is so awesome. Just kidding.

     So lately, Mom and I have gottenss into multiple spats about obvious things. She has all sorts of theories and none of them are right. She even forced me to go to a shrink. Which pretty much shot her down when he told her that at 17 this is pretty much my own thing. She is insistent that I'm doing this all for attention. I really can't believe that. The only idea of her thinking that I would lie about my sexuality completely infuriates me. I mean really? C'mon. This whole is just...yeah.
     Anyways, this whole thing has gotten me really sad, disgusted, infuriated, and has made me lose all respect for my mother. Honestly, in the past month the only things that have even made remotely on the verge of happiness is 1) Talking to Ben and planning on meeting up with him and 2) Going to Bainbridge's concert like every week. Those shouldn't be the only things that put me on the edge of happiness.
    Speaking of Ben, we have been Hangingout on Google+ all the time lately. We decided that next year, he is gonna drive his butt up to New York with some friends and we are all going to go to Montreal together. That's gonna be pretty amazing. Also, Robert, Ben, and I are working on a project to be supporting and such for everyone that may need it. Needless to say, we have all been Hangingout a lot lately.
     Hangingout on Google+ (or Google-, depending on my mood) is pretty cool. Its all videocalling and it works very well. I think its pretty cool that I can say that I'm "hanging out" with people that live in Georgia and Texas.
     So yeah, that's my current life events. As I always promise, I will update more later on. :D