"My ass looks really good in these jeans"

     During the fire drill, during APUSH, my left hand man, Zach Maio said the above statement to me. He obviously knows that I'm gay. So I was kinda like "Really Maio? I'm not even going to comment." And I honestly wonder what he was trying to do. I mean, I highly doubt he was trying to get me to say that he was hot, or something of that sort. But I guess it just seems funky.
     And he's not the only one, Nate does it sometimes too. I truly wonder if they are just saying it, want a gay guys opinion, or if they want a straight guys opinion.  Obviously I can't the latter, but regardless. I don't know what he meant, I probably never will. And I don't really care enough to find out. But still.

Question: Who do you admire most and why?

     In my first APUSH (Advanced Placement:United States History) class, I was sitting next to my boy Zach Maio and we started to fill out the first day survey. This was fine and dandy until we both got to question number five, Who do you admire most and why? It was extremely odd how both of us looked at the other with a stupid ass look and said "Who am I writing down?" I told Zach that if Rob and I didn't have our little spat, I would put him down, but right now, he is nothing to be admired (in my eyes). I kid you not, we sat there for ten minutes trying to come up with people; Finally Zach threw down some bass players and he told me that I should throw down Mr Parrish. Being the good little kid that I am and listened to him. And for the justification, I simply put: Parrish helped me throw extremely tough times. At that moment, I realized that Mr Parrish did more for me this year than most of my family. He was there for everything. Hell, he changed my grades to ensure that my transcripts didn't look bad because of stupid high school drama. He was the one I admired most.

     Then I got to thinking what Parrish might say to Sugrue if Sugrue asked him what kind of tough times. I feel as though P won't say anything. But whatever. That is how life is. you sort through the goods and the bads, then continue on with life.

Easy tonight.

     Today being the first day of my junior year, I starting talking with some of the people I cut off. And one in particular made me feel a lot better about this year.
     I started talking with Joe Woznice(Wozzy) again today. It didn't make me feel awkward,bad, or anything negative. It made me feel like there is actually hope for this year. I am actually starting to believe in this year, again. :D

Those are your problems, not mine.

     Mom has her wonderful appointment with the shrink tonight. I don't know what she expects to come out of it, but whatever. I think she thinks she can change me. But guess what Ma? It's who I am, it is in my genetics. You have to get over it.
     I will refuse to change, nor keep my life a secret. I will not live a double life. I will not live the life everyone wants me to, then have another with somebody that I love. It just simply isn't right. It's just not.
     If my family wants me to hide it, then they really don't deserve to be called my family. Hell, at this point I'm not even considering Dad, Drew, Rob, and Mom as my family. Currently I'm claiming Nicole Brown, Coach, Nate, Maio, and Nicole as my family. They have treated me more as family than my blood family.
     Now some of you may say "Well, you parents are only trying to look out for you." Yeah,yeah, yeah. My response to that is: If they were really trying to look out for me, they won't make it this big thing. It has stressed me out worse than when the team found out. I really don't know what to do. I'm sick of tiptoeing around so that shit doesn't hurt/anger/whatever my mother. Fucking get over it.
     Apparently my mother does need a therapist, I've been saying that for years. Hopefully this guy will do something for her...

Question. Answer?

     Lately I have been getting asked, and asking myself, about swimming next year,er this year. And quite frankly, I'm not even sure. I am extremely nervous about what could occur next year. I don't know if it will be awkward, comfortable, or even better than before.
     I am really concerned about how people will treat me, both in and out of the locker room. I view the locker room situation as this: I haven't changed, I've been gay since I started swimming. So because they know, they have to be worried? Seems fishy. I'm there to swim, change, and go home. Just like everyone else. I don't think of my straight friends in a sexual way, I just don't. I can understand why some people can be uncomfortable but c'mon people, get over it.
     My other concern is if there will be any gay bashing now. Granted, there already was some but it was in a kidding way. So I wonder if people are going to change. I really am used to people using "gay" and etcetra in a "bad" way. It doesn't bother me to an extreme point. Same thing with "fag". As I've said early, I don't care if you say it, but if you call me a fag, I won't hesitate to beat your ass.
     I realize that my coach will help me with anything and everything, it's just how our relationship is. If there is a problem, I feel overly confident about talking to him about it. And that's a good thing. Cooley, my choice for captain, has also told me that if there is a problem to tell him and he will try to help me out. Which could be why he is one of my best friends,
     Now that I'm done talking about my fears, let's talk about the pros.
     I would feel fricken awesome because I feel like I would be making a standard. A change, for the team. I would be the first gay swimmer to be open about it for my last two years. I think I could change the way that some people would feel about having a gay swimmer. I would feel even better if I could make through the whole season without any problems, but problems are inevitable.
     I really don't want to quit doing my favourite thing because people are ignorant and close minded. I shouldn't be afraid to do my sport because of dumb people. I love the sport, I love my team, I love everything about it.
     Clearly, I am still in questioning of my swim season this year. I will continue to talk to my close friends and trusted adults about what they think I should do. Right now, it's looking like I am going to swim. Say "fuck it" and do what I love. I think would be stupid if I quit for this reason. Even if I did, I would still be at every meet, all the time. For my team.