You'll Never Figure This Out

You don't realize,
What you didn't do.
What you didn't realize,
When you should have been the first.

You think you can read me like a book,
Damn, I must be one complex novel.
Truth is,
I'm an encyclopedia.
You know one volume,
Out of a hundred.

No one knows all one hundred volumes,
Not even me.
So keep trying to talk to me,
You might just scratch the surface.

Maybe...

My Friends.

I have always out wayy too much trust in my friends, and I do it because in the end you are only as strong as your weakest posse member.
And since my friends recently watched my life fall about, they are helping me pick up the pieces. I'm glad they are. It gives me someone to lean on,a place stay when I get too pissed off, and a person that will have my back no matter what.
They have told me that I just need to "follow my heart" or some cliche like that. But really, you can try to get over it all but something like this sticks with you...forever.
You just gotta wait it out, I guess.

"You just gotta give hope a chance, and it will always float up"

Those words were said in a late-90's chick flick called Hope Floats. For some messed up reason, I think that they are right: If you just kinda push through everything, hope will float...eventually. You just gotta give it time.
I guess I thought I had given it enough time, and that hope wasn't floating; Well as I have been going along, I've figured out that I just haven't given it enough time. When I hit my bad times, I just gotta remember "Hope will float, just like bodies if you don't weigh them down" ( Okay, maybe I should just remember the first one :| )

Mmh, I wonder.

So lately I've been wondering if I've gone insane or not. I'm not really sure if I can say that I have a very good mind set. And although I like to think that I normally have a very stable internal state, I think I may have lost it.
I'm not really sure if I'm right or wrong lately. I've just been kinda hoping that everything goes well for me. I was feeling pretty unsure about the situation at hand last night and then I heard Dr Kelso say "Just look into your heard and do what ever the hell makes you happy." I felt like he was talking to me, like he was telling me to nix the people that have problems with me, and just do what I want. Those words are just beautiful to me right now, many other people have told me the same thing but it seems like Kelso just drilled it in. I guess I just needed to realize that I can take care of it.
I guess there's reasons why I watch Scrubs, 1) Its dead funny and 2) It teaches me about life. So thank you Scrubs.

Building the Burning

I build the relationship up, you burn it up.
I build it up, you burn it up.
Stop building the burning, stop burning the building.
You build it up, I burn it down.
I build you burn it.
Stop the burning, might stop the building too.
Is this how its gotta be?
Our two heads clashing all around me.
Stop the building and stop the burning.
Why do we build this up just to burn it down?

To whom it may concern.

To whom it may concern:
First of all, you know damn well who this is geared to. Second of all, I will now start my rant.
Well, you have screwed up about a month of my life, ruined multiple of my friendships, kept me awake for most of the night, made my grades slip, and screwed over my relationship with the team. But guess what, I'm sick of it all. Purely disgusted. Your evil reign over my mental state will end at this sentence.
You are a ridiculous, low self esteem holding, backstabbing, selfish, manipulative, conniving, irresponsible, immature little bastard. I would start a beat down on you, but I remember that you aren't even worth the thought process of fighting. I really hope you die a slow and painful death. Just saying.
You have made my life hell, and I'm through with it. Go take your untrustworthy waste of life somewhere else. Go screw up someone else's life.
Thank you,
Christopher John Drummond

Alone

I sit alone and watch the clock, trying to collect my thoughts.
It seems as though I've changed, yet I've always been the same.
I don't expect you to understand, I just wanna know you have my back. Everything leads me back to this.
I never thought it'd happen like this.
I never seemed so alone.
A crowded street seems like a quiet place when I'm walking alone.
So alone...

Strength

I'm weak, yet strong enough to realize I can't handle this on my own. I'm weak, but strong enough to realize I don't need you.

.

Do You?

Do you realize, that you know nothing about me?
Try to tell me my hopes, dreams, fears.
Just try.
I dare ya.

Do you realize, what you me through?
Do you realize, what you have done to me?
Do you realize what you haven't done to me?

Do you know, anything about me?
Try, just try to shoot off something as simple as a blood type.
That's something you should know.

Do you realize, why I don't trust you?
Do you realize, why I don't like you?
Do you realize anything about me?

Do you?
Do you?
You say you do,
You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?

You say you're not the bad guy, but are you?
You don't even know anymore, do you?

Some built up anger...

So around a year ago, I was told that I would go nowhere in life. I refuse to believe this. I am convinced that one day I will rise above all of those people that said that I would amount to nothing.

"And I won't back down, no I'll stand my ground."

Well I wrote up a whole nice long post, but for some reason, only the title got posted, so here I try again. I can't guarantee that it will be as good as the last one because I'm not fueled with emotions now. But here it goes: If someone could explain to me why high school has to be so damn complicated, I would love to hear it. Either way, I would also love to know why out of 2100 students, I was chosen to be the subject of a rumor. I mean really, what the hell did I ever do? But anyways, rumors spread fast on a small team. Unfortunately. I don't even think the rumor was the hardest part, I think trying to convince 23 guys that a very well liked senior member was lying was the hardest. This senior that I thought was my friend, I was wrong. I guess one can think that dealing with rumors is easy, its not. And if you have ever been affected my one, subject or not, the pain still stays with you for life. I don't think that people truly realize the impact that rumors have on the subject. The sleepless nights, hours of headaches, slipping grades, loss of friends, even hours crying, and that's not even considering the affect on the subjects friends that are trying to get him through this. After my experience with rumors, I have decided that I will never start or spread a rumor, ever. For I have realize what it can do to people. It all happened within a week, started on Monday, I became aware of it on Wednesday, lost some friends on Friday, and started damage control on Saturday. I now have to face these people, most of them for one of the last times, on Tuesday. And Tuesday, I'm not really sure how it will go down, but I'm nervous as hell. I've been told to put my game face on and act like I own the place. Supposedly, that will make me look good. I can only hope that my whole life doesn't go down the drain. I have to be able to stay on the team for another two years, and if this catches up with me next year, I'm afraid I might not have the pride, nor dignity,to continue with my swim career. I am still getting over this whole fiasco, but I will get over it. I've been told that I should be able to tackle this head on...and win. I guess I can only hope that I will...win.

Oh High School...

One can assume that high school is the worst part of your life. But until you actually experience it, you will never realize how complex that 4 years is. I have been told that life doesn't get much less dramatic after high school. It is virtually amazing how quickly things/rumors can spread.but what is even quicker, is the speed at which people point fingers. I mean really guys, you're in high school, act your age. Either way, the one person that started everything will never see the full affect that they have had on the subject of the rumor. This subject could have spent hours being internally hurt by the rumor. And that's not even bringing in the subject's friends, that have to help the subject with damage control. And not only damage control for his reputation, but damage control for his actual emotions and mental state. I might be all over the page here, but I'm angry, that happens what I'm angry. I guess my question is, "Why didn't anybody tell me that this could happen?"