October Nineteenth

My birthday is literally just around the corner; funny this is, I don't really care. I'm not a fan of birthdays. I'm just not. Especially my own.
Granted this could be because of my grandfather dying on the day of my birthday party. But the point is, they are depressing anyway. It really only means that you are closer to death...or taxes, but I consider them death too.
Honestly, the only thing that will actually get me to wake up on my birthday is knowing that for one day it can be just me and my best friends. I think that's about it. You give me a day where it is just me, Nate, and Ricky...and I would be perfectly okay with that. That could happen anyday, not just my birthday.
Maybe it is because I don't like my family. Maybe it is because of my grandfather. Hell, maybe I just don't like them.
Actually, I have a new theory that may explain my hatred of birthdays. I think that ever since Rob left, I have never really had a reason to enjoy my birthday. My birthday was the only day where I could feel like a normal person with a normal family. No one ever fought on my birthday. They just didn't. And that is what kinda made my birthday feel "special"...I guess. Therefore, Rob being he sorta screws up the whole environment. 
Okay, I'm done talking about my birthday. Except if something happens on it...then I will write about.

Safe blogging...just kidding. :)

National Coming Out Day was yesterday...5 hours late is better than 10.

My "Thank You" Post

I would like to take a post to thank two of my best friends that have stuck with me through all of this shit.

Nathanyl Alfred Langstaff- Thank you, just thank you. You have been through everything everything. You have been extremely helpful. You help me through everything, and although I think that sometime you don't truly can't get into my shoes, you try; And for that, I am extremely glad and thankful. I know that you will always help me. Always. Thank you again.

Richard David Blackburn- We have our spats. We have our differences. I used to think that there was only one thing that connected us,swim, I was wrong. The longer we have been friends the more memories that we have made. You too, have been there for a lot of my problems. I don't think you will ever realize how much your support for me has helped me choose to continue swimming, and to not be afraid of what people think. I appreciate that. I truly too. No matter what happens between us, or what happens at all, I know that when shit hits the fan, I can call you and you will be there for me in a heartbeat. I know that you and I are going to beast this season. I throughly enjoy how we compete with each other in the pool, I think it is awesome that we push each other; Especially because we know when the other needs it. Thank you.

This is only two of my best friends. I can honestly say that when I leave high school, I know for sure, that these guys will call me up on random weekends and do stupid shit. These will be the guys that I will want in my wedding party...if I get married. Thank you guys again.

P.S. I know that Ricky's paragraph is longer, but I have never really taken the time to thank Ricky via the blog. I thank Nate all the time. :D

Thank you guys again.

CJD

The First of Me

     The song "The First of Me" by Hoobastank does a good job of really summing up most of my feelings. But that's irrelevent right now, now I want to talk about my brother, Rob. He's in the Navy, pretty standard military type person. He used to be my hero, my friend, my "one person I can always count on" person. That all changed after I told him that I was gay.
     That was a nice day. His response to me was rather...shocking. "If you're a homo,you're a homo, I have nothing left to say." It turns out that he meant that literally; Since July, my brother and I have not spoken. At all. And honestly, I have mixed feelings on that. I feel like he deserves to be completely cut off from. Yet I also feel like it was a big slap in the face,to me.
     I used to be so proud to say that Rob was my brother, and how cool he was, and yadayadayada. At this point in time, you couldn't pay me to say anything good about him, nonetheless, talk to him.
     I feel like I should cut me off. I feel like I'm the one son that lives an outragoues amount of time away from home, not because I have to live their, but because I choose to so I can avoid my family. I have a feeling that that is what is going to happen. Maybe I'll come home once a year,maybe not. And when I come back, how angered I am to be there, yeah...I'm going to be "that guy". But I think I'm okay with that.
     So that was my post on how my brother and how angry I'm going to be,as long as he is in the same zip code as me.

"My ass looks really good in these jeans"

     During the fire drill, during APUSH, my left hand man, Zach Maio said the above statement to me. He obviously knows that I'm gay. So I was kinda like "Really Maio? I'm not even going to comment." And I honestly wonder what he was trying to do. I mean, I highly doubt he was trying to get me to say that he was hot, or something of that sort. But I guess it just seems funky.
     And he's not the only one, Nate does it sometimes too. I truly wonder if they are just saying it, want a gay guys opinion, or if they want a straight guys opinion.  Obviously I can't the latter, but regardless. I don't know what he meant, I probably never will. And I don't really care enough to find out. But still.

Question: Who do you admire most and why?

     In my first APUSH (Advanced Placement:United States History) class, I was sitting next to my boy Zach Maio and we started to fill out the first day survey. This was fine and dandy until we both got to question number five, Who do you admire most and why? It was extremely odd how both of us looked at the other with a stupid ass look and said "Who am I writing down?" I told Zach that if Rob and I didn't have our little spat, I would put him down, but right now, he is nothing to be admired (in my eyes). I kid you not, we sat there for ten minutes trying to come up with people; Finally Zach threw down some bass players and he told me that I should throw down Mr Parrish. Being the good little kid that I am and listened to him. And for the justification, I simply put: Parrish helped me throw extremely tough times. At that moment, I realized that Mr Parrish did more for me this year than most of my family. He was there for everything. Hell, he changed my grades to ensure that my transcripts didn't look bad because of stupid high school drama. He was the one I admired most.

     Then I got to thinking what Parrish might say to Sugrue if Sugrue asked him what kind of tough times. I feel as though P won't say anything. But whatever. That is how life is. you sort through the goods and the bads, then continue on with life.

Easy tonight.

     Today being the first day of my junior year, I starting talking with some of the people I cut off. And one in particular made me feel a lot better about this year.
     I started talking with Joe Woznice(Wozzy) again today. It didn't make me feel awkward,bad, or anything negative. It made me feel like there is actually hope for this year. I am actually starting to believe in this year, again. :D